Courage Essay
In looking at the beginning of this essay, knowing I must write of personal courage, I certainly did not feel very courageous. I stared at the definition: The state or quality of mind or spirit that enables one to face danger, fear, or vicissitudes with self-possession, confidence, and resolution; bravery.
There is one thing that comes to mind when I think of personal courage and because of the ability I had to face and deal with it, I have chosen to make it the focus of my essay.
My Mother was diagnosed with cancer. What was to be a simple hysterectomy turned out to be a death sentence. My siblings pulled away and from a distance tried to dictate her every move and decision. Often making the entire thing worse than what it was to begin with. I often found myself exhausted, confused and crying alone in my car, office, bed. I kept telling myself verbally that I could not deal with it all. What I did not realize that, in searching for a proper way to deal with it, I was in reality….facing it head on.
I supported her decision to try radiation and chemo. My siblings refused to take her for treatments. I took her to every one of them. We had never really been extremely close. Spending hours a day with each other at these treatments, the 2 hour drive back and forth to treatments, gave me a chance I may never have had. A chance to form a bond with her, settle differences and find reasons to laugh and smile together. I did not know until later how important these moments were. In facing the small battles, it gave me strength to face the most difficult one of my life.
The last four days of her life were the most horrible. I had hoped for a peaceful, easy passing. It was not meant to be. With no hospice or home health care, I spent four days holding a garbage can for her to vomit blood into. I was able to give shots to her when I had never stuck a needle into another human. I was able to find the strength to look her in the eyes when she asked what she was throwing up and tell her calmly it was blood. And when she asked me how much longer she had, and I repeated what the Doctor told me over the phone, only a few days, I was able to not lose my mind and fall apart when she needed me most. She never wanted a stranger to take care of her, she never wanted strange faces to stare at her when she took her last breath. I would like to think that she was proud of my courage during those last days. As I heard her lungs fill with blood and watched her look into my eyes with a silent “this is it” look, holding her hand as she said goodbye with her eyes….I exhibited courage. The courage continues when I face situations of helping others deal with the death of a parent or other loved one, especially a death not so very peaceful.
Powered by FireStats
zhyndra said:
“I’m proud to know you. To care for your mother that way is something I highly admire. I can so understand people who do not want care from strangers, and do not want to live their last days outside of their own home and environment. It’s clear you know what love is, as you have practiced it in such a meaningful way.”
I said:
“I think my Mother had a bad memory from when her Mother died. There was a hospice nurse there and instead of standing by when Mam-maw took her last breath and letting the family be there beside her as she passed in peace, she stepped right in front of my Mother and became the focus of attention and Mother never got over that. She lived a life of solitude mostly and never wanted strangers in her home and such. I made her a promise that we would not do the whole hospice, home health thing if SHE did not want to. At the time I expected she would pass very peaceful like Mam-maw did. I was not expecting what happened. I am just glad I was able to handle it. It still hurts thinking about it, I even cried last night when I wrote the essay. But I tried to keep my promise to her and I think Iwas able to do that. Afterwards I had to clean her up and dress her so her siblings could come to her room to say goodbye. That part I barely remember to be honest. I think I have blocked it out intentionally. I remember picking out the clothes from her closet and stuff but well, it was just bad. After her lungs filled, the blood continued and there was no place else to go inside so well….it was just bad, real bad.
I appreciate your comment more than you could ever imagine. I often doubt myself, did I do this right or that right, should I have done it this or that way….
it is done though. No changing it if I wanted to. But your comment does mean a lot to me so thank you….sincerely.”
zhyndra said:
“You’re welcome. My best friend has been caring for her mother and making sure she can stay in her own home as long as possible. She has had some help from her brother. She has been a wonderful daughter, like you, but also doubts herself and somehow manages to feel guilty because she has a job, a husband and kids. Meaning she can’t be with her mother every minute. From my perspective, it’s just a beautiful thing to see the devotion and love. My friend’s mom was a great influence in my life, and was something of a role model to me. She was a wonderful wife and mother to her kids, and while it’s fitting that her kids appreciate her and give her the care and love she deserves, I think it doesn’t happen often enough. Being familiar with nursing homes, we know that many people are simply sent away and abandoned. Some people just don’t have the level of courage and devotion necessary to do what you and my friend have done.”